I Cried On A Jetty

I took a day and went to the beach.  If you know me this is a place I love.  It brings me happiness, thoughtfulness, peace and awe.

I drove down and parked by the seawall.  Got out and took a picture of the water, the seemingly never ending waves stretching out across to the horizon.  Speckled with ships way out where the water and the sky meet, waiting, paused in their journeys.

I walked the seawall and at the top of a stairway to the sand I took off my sandals and made my way down.  My feet sunk down into the sand and I wiggled my toes, let the sand sift through them warming my feet and reminding me of where I was.

As I walked towards the water, I watched the few people across the way and of course, the seagulls.  The birds were flying around accepting bits of food from those people.  Others were standing in groups on the wet sand where the waves roll in.  I noticed they were all facing outward as if to watch the water, the horizon, the ships as I always do.  I walked towards them slowly, hoping I would not make them fly away, but rather stand amongst them, join them in their watch.

As my bare feet reached the wet sand and although the water was cold, I welcomed the feeling.  Feeling something, anything other than the pain in my heart was welcome at this time.  I walked out far enough for the waves coming in to wash over my feet and legs.  The chill of it would take my breath for a moment, but I stood and allowed it.  I turned my face toward the horizon, the waves, the wind and the sun.  The sun was warm and I felt at home.  I felt at peace.

To my left was the jetty.  Huge cut blocks of marble placed there years ago to allow people like myself to walk out past the shore.  So I made my way out towards the end of the jetty.  The further out I got, the more intense the waves.  I found myself half way out and sat on one of the huge blocks.  The waves crashing against the jetty would, from time to time, spray across my skin.  Again, it felt good, made me feel awake and alive.

I closed my eyes and began to cry.  I cried and I prayed aloud and asked God all the hard questions.  Questions I knew I would probably not get answers to in my lifetime.  I continued this for almost an hour.  I needed to talk to God, I needed to cry to my God and allow Him to hear me lament, complain, question and just plain come to Him in my great need.

Thank you God for allowing me these times to feel out loud, for my belief and for allowing me happiness in the midst of my grief.  I trust You unconditionally and I thank You for that also.

I choose to be ok people, I choose to be happy, I choose to let God take care of the things I cannot.