I Cried On A Jetty

I took a day and went to the beach.  If you know me this is a place I love.  It brings me happiness, thoughtfulness, peace and awe.

I drove down and parked by the seawall.  Got out and took a picture of the water, the seemingly never ending waves stretching out across to the horizon.  Speckled with ships way out where the water and the sky meet, waiting, paused in their journeys.

I walked the seawall and at the top of a stairway to the sand I took off my sandals and made my way down.  My feet sunk down into the sand and I wiggled my toes, let the sand sift through them warming my feet and reminding me of where I was.

As I walked towards the water, I watched the few people across the way and of course, the seagulls.  The birds were flying around accepting bits of food from those people.  Others were standing in groups on the wet sand where the waves roll in.  I noticed they were all facing outward as if to watch the water, the horizon, the ships as I always do.  I walked towards them slowly, hoping I would not make them fly away, but rather stand amongst them, join them in their watch.

As my bare feet reached the wet sand and although the water was cold, I welcomed the feeling.  Feeling something, anything other than the pain in my heart was welcome at this time.  I walked out far enough for the waves coming in to wash over my feet and legs.  The chill of it would take my breath for a moment, but I stood and allowed it.  I turned my face toward the horizon, the waves, the wind and the sun.  The sun was warm and I felt at home.  I felt at peace.

To my left was the jetty.  Huge cut blocks of marble placed there years ago to allow people like myself to walk out past the shore.  So I made my way out towards the end of the jetty.  The further out I got, the more intense the waves.  I found myself half way out and sat on one of the huge blocks.  The waves crashing against the jetty would, from time to time, spray across my skin.  Again, it felt good, made me feel awake and alive.

I closed my eyes and began to cry.  I cried and I prayed aloud and asked God all the hard questions.  Questions I knew I would probably not get answers to in my lifetime.  I continued this for almost an hour.  I needed to talk to God, I needed to cry to my God and allow Him to hear me lament, complain, question and just plain come to Him in my great need.

Thank you God for allowing me these times to feel out loud, for my belief and for allowing me happiness in the midst of my grief.  I trust You unconditionally and I thank You for that also.

I choose to be ok people, I choose to be happy, I choose to let God take care of the things I cannot.

Did I Say Life Is Short? Yes I did

Dark days, I have to say it - I lost my grandson.  Life is short people, tell your people you love them constantly, hug them as much as you can and yes, be happy.  Be very happy while you can, it prepares you and others around you for the dark days.

How many times can one person's heart break and still keep living.  I don't know the answer to that, but it seems the answer for me is many.  I don't get it, I really don't but I accept it.  I think that is the key to a lot is that I may not understand God or the universe or life or death but I accept that I don't or won't.  Life is short and we have to keep living it, getting past the bad and keep living it.

God let me get happy again prior to this and it saved me for this one.  God sent me a guardian angel and I cannot imagine having gotten through that horrible, unimaginable week without my guardian angel.  Thank you.

The Whys? I know are not over and I know I will continue to have dark days ahead, but I will not go away again.  I will not stop living.  I will not stop being happy.  Sounds strange but I pretty much checked out before and I am determined not to do it again, it does not solve anything, it does not make the bad go away.  It actually makes the bad a way of life, it hangs around because I let it and it won't happen, again God willing and my determination doesn't falter.

I thought for a minute that I could not imagine writing again, there seemed no way I could type, think, feel or write after this tragedy.  But I reminded myself of what that would mean, so I am putting fingers to keys and will continue to do so, again, God willing and my determination doesn't falter.

I love you Dylan, my heart breaks everyday that I cannot hold you, that I cannot tell you again that I love you, that I will love you and miss you forever until I see you again in heaven.  I love you.

Fly high baby.

The Sky Was Gray, The Sky Was Beautiful

Traveling as you all know I do, it always gives me something to write about.

This one is about Pittsburgh or actually Cranberry Township outside of Pittsburgh.  This was my 2nd visit.
I stayed at a great hotel, Hilton Garden Inn.  Great place to stay and really wonderful people, they take care of you.   Special shout out to Brian and Lisa, I have new friends for life and I cannot wait to see you again!
Lisa, beautiful girl, have fun, but take care of you!
Brian, I am so very glad to have met such a wonderful person.  You are going to have a wonderful life my friend.  And I am not jumping out of a plane!  Zip lining in Costa Rica, I am there!
Melonie girl, I love you, instant friend you really took care of me!

Several others that were wonderful and now part of the pieces of my life, Hannah, Amber, Erin, Kristin - great people.

Ok, down to creative business, very important here - let me remind you, I love to experience.  Did you get that - I love to experience, if you know me, I lost it and now it is back a hundred fold. 

Let's start with the weather, I joked in January, who goes to Pittsburgh in January on purpose.
Being a Texican and living mostly in the sun, this is the opposite.

Snow, rain, snow again and again.  Yes I have griped about the big coat I hate, walking in the slush, driving in it, and most of all, I can't wear my pretty strappy sandals!!!  Many days of gray skies, I wonder if people here don't get depressed easily.  I met many people and they are used to it just like I am used to sunny and sometimes unbearably hot.

So I decided to look at it a different way.  I was standing outside this morning, not quite dawn, it was snowing.  I did as I have talked about in the Texas rain, turned my face upwards and watched it fall.  It is not depressing but rather quite serene, beautiful and calming.

If you think from the right direction it is quite magical really.  It was quiet and peaceful, the perfect place to think and to dream. 

The air was filled with big, floating, beautiful snow flakes making their way down to join other large snowflakes with the unique purpose of blanketing the ground.

The sky was gray, but the perfect background for seeing the flakes clearly, a canvas if you will.

It was there that ideas for writing started flowing into my head.

There are so many things, places, people out there to fill that desire I have to experience.  Decide to find, see and experience the beautiful in all of those things, slow down so you won't miss it, look for it.

Being happy is my thing, but there are times when I am having those moments of kind of not happy right this minute.  I truly love those times when we stop and think and feel, be pensive and thoughtful from time to time. 

People!  Slow everything down for a minute and dream, the results are amazing.